Unspoken Words

I’m so in love with you even though I know you will destroy me I really wish that we should’ve just talked it out. Things would’ve been so much more clear if we both learn to let go of the worries about hurting each other’s feelings. To my younger self, Don’t hold back. Take up space. Your strong personality and authenticity is a gift. Nothing really matters. You choose what matters and what does not. Don’t follow societies standards or expectations. Keep being you. Love, You now I don’t want to talk to you but I have a lot to say. What makes me mad about you being out of my life is that I don’t get to know if you feel guilty. I can tell you don’t for the most part because of how you’ve tried to penetrate your way back into my life through other people. But there’s a small part of me that looks at the parts of you that cared and thinks you may be rotten with guilt. The funny thing though is that if this guilt is there, it’s misplaced. I’d use this note to tell you what you should really feel guilty for. It took me a long time to know it, but it feels unfair I have to know it and you don’t. It’s much worse than you think, or you’d think about it and not care because I’m pretty sure it’s central to your character. Hey guys, I know that we have not been really talking and it’s been really awkward between us. Well, not really us, more like between me and you guys. I don’t know why we have gotten to this point where we can’t really see eye-to-eye or avoid being in the same room. This has really taken a toll on my mental health and I had to get back on meds because I would get anxiety attacks listening to you guys talk in the living room together. You guys would go out together and not invite me. We used to do everything together, or at least have the compassion to invite the other person. Now, you guys barely talk to me or invite me to anything — and that makes me feel left out. We live together but we barely interact or see the other person. I can’t remember the last time we actually had a conversation with one another. I have already apologised for the mistakes that I have made but I feel like you guys still hold a grudge and yet not tell me so we could resolve it. I have tried being nice to you guys but I feel like you don’t give me the opportunity to make up for the mistakes over winter break. And now, we are in too deep in this limbo where I don’t even know where our relationship stands. I ended my lease early and am moving out next month because I really cannot take it anymore. I don’t want to get triggered into anxiety attacks just by hearing you guys’ voices. I really loved you guys but I don’t know if you reciprocate those feelings. Perhaps it’s a one-way street and we’ve hit a dead end. jan182022 i like to talk to people and i like to listen. and i love to have like actual intellect conversations about stuff i don’t usually talk abt. like being 19 and too old to not have any romantic/sexual experience w tom and aurora. like how terrifying sex and hookup culture is w liz and may. like how awful my parents are and that i’ll never make it with eric. it’s always nice to hear other peoples side of anything. to have them agree w you and confide in them. to have them further explain something for you, providing a new thought and idea. to have them tell you it’s okay, it will work out, it’s your decision. to have them tell you you’re a little insane. people are so human. the idea that society has created of being so independent and not talking to people, asking for help, helping, communicating, anything, is like actually crazy. and i have definitely fallen victim. but i like to be independent in the way that i CAN do things by myself and enjoy it. thst doesn’t mean i don’t want to share my life w others. it doesn’t mean i don’t care about other people. it just means that i like the freedom of no reliance. but do i? yes, i do. but i still like to rely on people. like i rely on aurora to talk to me about hxh but also confide in and discuss Real topics. and like i rely on tom to put rocks in my hair but to listen to aurora and i talk and to chime in occasionally. like i rely on mackenzie to call me once a month and tell me about family drama. like i rely on myself to find happiness in being alone. and that is true but also, i Need my friends. i Need other humans. i was not built to be isolated. i was built to talk to strangers on the street. to spend hours conversing in the kitchen. to sit on the floor and talk. and to laugh through these ‘serious’ talks. bc everything is awful, but here i am talking about i w people that aren’t awful. and conversations/topics i thought would be awful to talk about, things i thought i was completely alone in thinking, are common among my friends. and if they aren’t, we talk about it and they listen. and they understand. and i am so thankful. i have been randomly crying so much recently. i am feeling more than ever. i am constantly feeling compelled to right down these feelings in this poetic way like i am right now. but it’s kinda just how i think and write. but i feel so compelled to get this shit out of me. to create a little index card and drawing for all the things i like to think about. idk why. but i don’t really mind. it gives me smth to do. to hold, to think about, to create. pulling out of my dramatic poetry i really do just love talking to people. just being w liz and may and talking about sfm and it’s not heated and uncomfortable and serious. it’s nice and interesting and fun and enjoyable and a learning experience. i am so grateful to have ppl like this to talk to. i really have been like so emotional lately. i think i was just so numb at home that it is all hitting me now. i went to the east village today and it was nice. not too cold. it is supposed to snow thursday? i think. i started i’ve the garden wall, it’s cute. i so desperately want my entire life, thought, feeling, emotion, and action on the internet forever like i want to post every journal entry on instagram and create a blog but i know that it would not be good. so i keep it in here against my will. ppl like tom and eric who don’t journal are like insane. what else are you doing w your thoughts? like write it down losersssss. okay i wanna watch the show. i could keep writing but i won’t. i will spare you. goodnight gods and monsters. All my life I’ve been looking for that one thing, That one thing that meant love. To only find out that what I had been looking for was always with me, As it was in me. Love- is a big word isn’t it? It means so many different things to so many different people. I’m yet trying to understand what it means, As I pass by the wonderful scenes. I know that it is something that is beautiful, I know that it exists. It exists beyond me too I know that it is somewhere out there. I know that it is with someone, Now, it’s just a matter of time when I ind it in *the one* Letter to self I try really hates to not think off you, But everywhere I go you tend to be a part of my view. Till date I’ve only fallen for a few. And I think you one of them too. I think of you day and night, Sometimes too many times. I prolly am not even part of your sight, But every time I see you I start feeling a little light. You give me butterflies in my stomach, I get nervous around you, It almost feels like I’ve caught the flu. Every time I’m around you, There’s a change in my hue, Sometimes I am red and sometimes white or blue. At this moment I don’t even know what to do, As I know everything you say is never gonna be true. It is hard to see you almost everyday, Being unable to put in words what to say, I really wanna pour my heart in front of you, But I am tired just waiting for you. I hope to stay friends with forever, Knowing someone like you was certainly a pleasure. I don't know why you act like nothing occurred between us. I don't know why I still spend most days wanting to be around you. Sure, I try to convince myself that you never actually "saw me that way" that it was truly "all in my head". But everyone else wasn't as blind. They saw the way you looked at me. The way you laughed at all of my jokes. The way you always maneuvered yourself to be directly at my side no matter how large the group. And even last night you saved me a slice of jalapeño pizza even though you were starving. "That's what a good friend does" you tell me. And maybe to some extent you're right. But then we'd spend hours talking to each other, never running out of things to say. We still do, except it makes me anxious now. I think you're just using me as an outlet for your emotions. You truly don't know who you are and you're latching onto me as some sort of safety blanket. Well I can't do it anymore. I don't know how to be the girlfriend and also be the friend and also be the fucking stranger that you sometimes treat me as. I think I remind you of who you really are and that scares the living shit out of you. Stop taking up my space and disrespecting me, and then acting nice to me out of the blue like we’re best friends. We’re not. We’re just housemates and you’ve drained every ounce of my patience with you. Just because you have a disability doesn’t mean you get to play the victim. How dare you control the narrative. How dare you play the victim as if my life wasn’t shattered into pieces as well. How dare you i want our relationship to be better but it’s so hard for me to be vulnerable with you. and i love you. I have a really hard time being ‘that person’ for what feels like so many people around me. My independent mindset convinces me not to share but rather be there for others. It’s exhausting… and I’m close to running out of steam. I thought if i changed my ways, and tell people how I am feeling, and my struggles, the dynamic would shift. Rather than that, it’s just me receiving little response or empathy for my struggles over a 2 minute talk… while the rest of our dinner goes towards discussing their frustrations. So now.. here I am pathetic as it is anonymously telling someone that I am so fucking exhausted. I hope you are doing well. I heard you graduated and I didn’t think you would, so it’s a big accomplishment, but I’m glad to say I wasn’t there for it this time. I hope the next person you choose to invest time in will be brave enough to call you out on your bullshit. i think i will continue to love you for as long as i don’t understand why you no longer love me. unless you still do, and i have hope it’s still there. i’ve never had a friend like you and whatever it is that you couldn’t tell me at the time, i hope you figure out and we can heal. i’ll try not to stress until then, but i don’t know what i’ll do if our relationship continues as it is. eventually we will have to decide to hold on or let go, but for now just know i love you, nearly unconditionally. our time was well spent, and we both were well loved.- a former and possibly forever friend I wish we still talked. there isn’t actually anything stopping me from talking to you except for my pride i guess. i miss you. you’re graduating soon. congrats. i’m kind of seeing someone else right now. i feel bad bc i want him to be you so bad. but you don’t want me. part of me thinks that there’s some sort of fate that’s destined and if that’s true, it would happen eventually. just the little bits of coincidences. thank you for all the music you introduced me to. you’ve rubbed off more on me in that 2 little weeks than anyone else has ever. i wish it was longer than 2 weeks. i wish i still received your “good morning” texts. i wish i can still feel your arms around me at night and your compliments on my cooking. i only see you through the stories and posts on instagram now. sometimes my brain can’t wrap around the fact that for a short moment, i was actually someone somewhat important in your life. someone you thought about and texted and told your friends about. but i don’t think that’s true anymore. but you’re still that for me. the guy i’m seeing now, i’ve actually been seeing longer than the length that we talked and “hung out” together yet i feel a stronger connection to you. you asked me if there is someone in my life that i would never get over. and yes, that’s you. but you’re older than i am, you have a direction in your life. if i was actually important to you, i would’ve stayed in your life. but i’m not in your life. so that’s something to think about i guess. You really could’ve been the one :( I know that I ended it. I know you’ve moved on. I’ve moved on into new relationships. Yet, I have all of your things, can’t delete out pictures, and a small part of me is convinced that we’ll be together again one day. Part of me will love you forever. I will let you go, but never stop loving you. I know that you abused me and that your love was toxic, but I miss you. I love you. I wish you could change or I was dumber and could still be with you. When someone breaks up with you, do you fight? Do you try to convince them to stay? Do you attempt to nourish and rebuild whatever is broken in your love? What separates commitment & faith from toxicity & unhealthy attachment. I’m glad that I didn’t protest. I’m glad that I didn’t fight. Yet, you made a mistake. You were wrong. I let you leave, but I hope that you know what you lost and how much better your life would have been with me. I know my worth and I will have better than you, but I’ll always wonder what could have been if you weren’t stupid Cindy I had the biggest crush on you when we first met. Can’t say it’ll ever go away. Just fyi dear person, i wish things were different and less complicated. i like you and i think you like me. but you are confused and it makes me confused. i’m worried about timing and distance and not trying. i don’t want it to end because we mean something more to each other, even if you won’t admit it. to someone, fuck you for making me feel the way i’ve been feeling. it’s cruel To a specific person, I hate that I miss you so much im so sorry for what i did and i hope you're okay i don't think you actually like me. you don't treat me how i treat you i don't know why i'm still waiting for you to say you love me and i didn't deserve that Did you really find it that easy to let our friendship go? You were the only person I ever fully trusted. And now I know that was unhealthy and undiagnosed mental illness but throughout my anxiety and depression you were my partner. We did everything together, trusted everything with each other. We had fun doing dumb shit and you were my best friend. And I still love you. So so so much. I didn’t know I’d love you so much. I feel pathetic and small knowing you never felt a sliver of what I felt for you. You make me feel like nothing. Like a failure. I thought you supported me and loved me and saw me as your equal partner in crime. A god of determination that got everything done. But apparently you saw me like a broken project. A little distance and suddenly all I get are crickets. It’s been two weeks. Why won’t you say anything please just say something say you hate me and you’ll never talk to me again but say you’re thinking of me please. I miss you No poop dear parents, i am so absolutely resentful and angry about how badly you fucked me up. you physically abused me. you lit matches on my skin, choked me against walls, and let me hurt myself. you neglected me when i no longer served a purpose for you or followed your fucked up ideas of who i should be and what i should do. your narcissistic tendencies and religious ideations formed me into the sociopathic person i am today. you taught me that love isn’t real, and it can only hurt rather than heal. you kicked me out when i needed you more than anyone else. you sent me away across the country to suffer by myself in a place where i knew no one and was completely and utterly alone. i went through years and years of abuse only to be followed by the abuse i put myself through, to somehow punish myself for how fucked up you made me. i cut myself, burned myself, talked down on myself, starved myself, and i ruined my body even more than you ever have. i have never ever felt love. and i will never ever know how it feels, and i’m scared that one day someone will genuinely love me, and i will be too scared to let myself be loved. you altered my ideas of reality and i am still living in that altered dystopian world that you raised me in, and i am so scared that my younger siblings will turn out the same. i know mom is going to kill herself. i know she can see herself going mentally and physically, and i know that one day it’ll all be too much and she will kill herself. i can see her withering away and it kills me too. because i hate you both. i hate you so much, but at the same time, i cannot hate you at all. someone once told me that we have an obligation to love our parents no matter what they’ve done. and i think that’s absolute bullshit. i never wanted to be brought into this world, especially the one you created for me. i never asked for this. but for some reason, i cannot hate you absolutely. you ruined my life from day one. i know dad used to lock me in the dark bathroom as a newborn, lights off, for hours on end, just cause he couldn’t stand to hear the sound of me crying. i know that dad manipulated mom into marrying him. i know he gave up on me after my first suicide note, and i know he tried to get my siblings to give up on me too. i know mom cheated, multiple times. i know she hates her life and wants to die. i read her journals years ago. i know she resents her children, and herself. i know she wants to kill herself because she cannot stand to look at her children and realize that maybe, for once, she needs to take accountability. and i feel so sorry for the both of you. your lives are awful, they are literally hell on earth. but you still have to take responsibility for the wrong you’ve caused. you still have the obligation to be a good person and to still try and fix the wrongs that you’ve made. cause it’s not worth it to keep living the same shitty life and never changing a thing. i know i’m not perfect, and i know i’ve caused a lot of irreversible trauma. i can still remember sitting in that hospital, screaming that i am going to kill myself no matter what. and i know that killed a little part of both of you, and i am so sorry for that. i am so so sorry and if i could change it, i would, but i can’t. the best i can do now is to get better, and i expect the same from you. you are bad people. you are genuinely bad people, and i’ve lost hope that you’ll change. i think you’ll live shitty sad lives until the day you keel over and die, and some part of me believes you deserve it. but i can only harbor so much resentment in my body, and i want to be done carrying it from state to state, city to city. it’s like carrying a giant suitcase full of the heaviest trauma in the world, tied to the very feet i need to walk, and i have no idea how to get rid of it. you’ve caused me unimaginable pain, and i want you to know that. you should’ve never had kids. truly. you’re both so mentally fucked up, financially unstable, have genetic disorders, and are absolutely unfit to be parents. i wish you would’ve never had kids, because then maybe, you could live the lives you actually wanted. and i’m sorry i’m not the perfect mormon child for you. i’m sorry i couldn’t be the little scholar you dreamed of. i’m sorry i couldn’t be the child you lived through. i’m sorry i caused you pain. but maybe you should’ve realized what you signed up for when you had a child. maybe you should’ve realized that you would have to accept your kids no matter what and love them unconditionally. i do not think you will ever learn, and i am so sorry for you. i truly do wish you luck. i will not forgive you. i will not ignore the trauma you’ve put me through. but i will heal from it, without you. sincerely, hurt Hi, I know you hate me. I can tell you sorry a million times, but I know it will still mean nothing to you. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. I miss our friendship. I miss sending you the little things that remind me of you. I miss your humor. I miss your thoughts. I miss our discussions and debates. I miss your thoughtfulness. I miss your kindness -- which I now realize was a disguise... I'm mad at you too you know. I feel betrayed. I trusted you. I feel betrayed because I became comfortable with you, only for you to treat me with hidden agendas. I know you can't control your feelings, but I wish you told me. Sure, it would have been awkward but a moment of awkwardness beats half a decade of broken friendship. I miss my friend. But it's okay. I've moved on, have you? I’m so tired of you yanking me around. I’m stuck because of you and I hate it. I cant free myself because you won’t give me a straight answer and I’m so tired of being in limbo. you are a bad person. every choice you make is for yourself without the thought of anyone or anything else. you use your friends, you use your family, and you use your past traumas to get what you want in life, feeding off of the empathy and care of people who feel sorry for you. no one should feel sorry for you. you are heartless and selfish and at some point in your life, this realization will hit you and i cannot wait until it does. i do not expect you to ever admit this reality to yourself, and you don't have to. i know you. you are a foul excuse, a miserable plague, and a pest on everyones life you enter. you care about you. no one else. and it is obvious. and after you drop the facade. everyone will leave you. I fucking love you but you stress me out so much I’m getting gray hairs. William I really do miss you. It’s weird because I was always the one who wanted nothing to do with you. But now years after we have spoken I keep thinking about you. It weird now because I used to shut you out and now you have shut me out. Which was a good thing, being friends with you was one of the worst things I have ever done. But it was also one of the best. I don’t know. It’s strange but I want to catch up now when I go home for the summer. I still resent you and you resent me too so why do I miss you so much sometimes! I want to kill you.